Tuesday, February 21, 2012

An Award Winning Joke

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven
Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him,
and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition
organized in Britain

Monday, February 20, 2012

The Business of the Global '2 Cows'


SOCIALISM :You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM :
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM : 
You have 2 cows.. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM :
 You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM :
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT LINKED    CORPORATION :
 You have two cows. You employ mainly bumiputras to milk them. But both cows have been sent to the kenduri, so the State gives you more cows and write off the
losses of the first two. After several kenduris later, you invite an American or German Corporation to turnaround the losses. The Japanese have however already taken their two original cows back home to Japan .


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM :
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull, too.


A FRENCH CORPORATION! : 
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn yo! u have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you're
sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION :
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You worship them


A BRITISH CORPORATION :
You have two cows. Both are mad. 

Trivia



  
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

 
------------ 
 
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .
 and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language. 
------------ 

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone 
------------ 

Coca-Cola was originally green.
 
------------ 
 
It is impossible to lick your elbow. 
------------
 

The cost of raising a medium-size dog
to the age of eleven:
£ 10,120.00 

------------ 

The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

 
------------ 
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
a great king from history: 

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar
 
------------ 

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
 
------------ 
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes 

------------ 

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? 
A. One thousand 
------------ 
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

 
------------ 
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey
 
------------
 
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight' 

------------ 
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. 
------------ 
 
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase:                               'mind your P's and Q's'
 
------------ 

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice. 


------------ 

At least 75% of people who read this will try to
lick their elbow!

 

------------ 
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
you can read it. 


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? 

 
------------
 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...
 

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of  three.

 
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
 
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom
of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
 
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting
your coffee

 
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
 
14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list. 
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't
a 9 on this list
 

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
 

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends.
You know you want to!
And stop trying to lick your elbow! 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

An Eulogy for Steve Job's by his Sister

Click Here to Read the Eulogy

"By then, I lived in New York, where I was trying to write my first novel. I had a job at a small magazine in an office the size of a closet, with three other aspiring writers. When one day a lawyer called me - me, the middle-class girl from California who hassled the boss to buy us health insurance - and said his client was rich and famous and was my long-lost brother, the young editors went wild.

This was 1985 and we worked at a cutting-edge literary magazine, but I'd fallen into the plot of a Dickens novel and really, we all loved those best. The lawyer refused to tell me my brother's name and my colleagues started a betting pool. The leading candidate: John Travolta. I secretly hoped for a literary descendant of Henry James - someone more talented than I, someone brilliant without even trying.

When I met Steve, he was a guy my age in jeans, Arab - or Jewish-looking and handsomer than Omar Sharif.

We took a long walk - something, it happened, that we both liked to do. I don't remember much of what we said that first day, only that he felt like someone I'd pick to be a friend. He explained that he worked in computers......"

Click Here to Read the complete Eulogy

From Simpletruths.com : Life is Like Coffee

For the slideshow CLICK HERE

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything!" – Life is like coffee

Monday, February 13, 2012

Have you met yourself? -Article on reincarnation by Atul Sethi.


Have you met yourself?
Atul SethiAtul Sethi,

Sheikh Saud bin Al Thani is a passionate collector of art. Over the past few years, the sheikh — a cousin of the emir of Qatar — has been frantically buying artworks and objects related to the erstwhile Maharaja Yeshwant Rao Holkar II of Indore, another passionate patron who led a flamboyant lifestyle in the early part of the 20th century. But there is a reason why the sheikh is so interested in the Holkar: he believes he is the reincarnation of the maharaja, who died in 1961.

Whether or not the sheikh is the maharaja reborn is a matter of speculation. But increasingly, more and more people are beginning to believe in the concept of reincarnation. "Objective evidence of reincarnation is growing, based on an increasing number of cases of people remembering their past lives," says Walter Semkiw, a San Francisco-based physician, who has established the Institute for the Integration of Science, Intuition & Spirit to research reincarnation and related phenomena scientifically.

To understand whether human beings come back in another body is a fascinating — and controversial — subject that has attracted a lot of debate. Till the past few decades, it was dismissed as bunkum, fit only for potboilers and masala movies. But many, according to Semkiw, are taking reincarnation more seriously now — and coming around to the acceptance of rebirth as a natural phenomena. "This is primarily because of the extensive research done by Dr Ian Stevenson of the University of Virginia, who studied almost 3,000 children who claimed to have past life memories. In 700 of these cases, memories were so detailed that he was able to factually validate them," he says. Stevenson's book "Twenty Cases Suggestive of Reincarnation", first published in 1966, is regarded by many as a classic work of reincarnation research. "Anyone who reads "Twenty Cases" with an open mind will develop a belief in reincarnation," says Semkiw.

In India, belief in reincarnation is nothing new. The concept of karma — the principle of cause and effect — has been firmly entrenched in the Indian ethos for a long time. New Age practices like past life regression (PLR) — made popular by American psychiatrist Brian Weiss — are reinforcing the belief. "Over the last few years , there has been an exponential increase in awareness of this therapy. A lot more people are willing to experiment and there is a lot less fear regarding exploring past lives," says Gurpreet Singh, an ex-Army officer who now dabbles full time in PLR. The number of trained regression therapists in the country has also increased. "From a few hundred in the last decade, it's close to more than 5,000 now," says Rock Furtado of Ritana Books that publishes material on spirituality.

Among the earliest therapists in the country, Newton Kondaveti, a Hyderabad-based doctor, left his medical career to focus on PLR. He now has a packed schedule of workshops , where people queue up to explore their past lives and also learn regression techniques. Kondaveti says there is a practical application of this knowledge. "Through PLR, one can get a clear understanding of why situations in this life are the way they are, and find solutions for the problems faced in the present life," he says.

Many of those who have undergone past life regression vouch for its efficacy. Actress Celina Jaitly — who discovered in a regression session that she was a man in a past life — says that knowing one's past life can be an extremely useful source of self-knowledge, inspiration and healing. "It helped me come to terms with several areas," she says. "It helped me a lot in discovering and dealing with certain aspects of connection to my parents, sibling and other important relationships."

Since regression essentially plays out in the mind, a common skepticism is that what passes off as a past life memory is just the mind playing tricks. But Kondaveti is emphatic that past life visions are not figments of the imagination. "When you imagine something, you will come up with something different every time. But in most people, the same visions are seen when the same past life is re-visited."

Those who have remembered factual details from their past life through regression have often checked the authenticity of the information. Many have been quite surprised at what they found. Chennai-based Susheel Nair recalls seeing himself as a pilot , working with KLM airlines whose aircraft — a DC-6 passenger plane — crashed into an apartment building in Munich in 1951, killing all the 52 people on board. Nair says that after the session was over, he was unsure whether he had actually seen his past life. But when he searched for this information on the internet he could find, buried in a corner of the official KLM website all the details of the crash. It matched with what he saw, right from the make of the plane to the number of people killed. He says, "The experience helped me understand and deal with my childhood phobia of turbo-prop planes like the DC-6."

Despite regression being increasingly used to deal with traumas and health issues, modern medicine is yet to endorse it. "From a psychiatric point of view, there is not enough evidence to suggest that regression, or knowledge of past lives, can be used as a modality of treatment as of now," says Dr Samir Parikh, chief psychiatrist at Delhi's Max hospital.

Those who believe in it, however, continue to peep into the past, often to look for solutions for the present. As also for the tantalizing feeling that when you whirl back in time to the mists of the past, the stranger that you meet there might just be yourself.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIZENS OF INDIA


Scenario 1
  
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.
  
That's MUMBAI
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
  
Scenario 2


Two guys are fighting.
Both of them take time out and call their friends
on their mobiles.
Now 50 guys are fighting.


You are definitely in PUNJAB !!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
  
Scenario 3


Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and
tries to make peace.
The first two get together and beat him up.

 
That's DELHI
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
  
Scenario 4

 
Two guys are fighting.
A crowd gathers to watch.
A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall.
  
That's AHMEDABAD
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
  
Scenario 5
  
 
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes.
He writes a software program to stop
the fight.
But the fight doesn't stop because of a virus in
the program.   (Errr.. this is rubbish!)

That's BANGALORE
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
  
Scenario 6

 
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch..
A guy comes along and quietly says that
"AMMA" doesn't like all this
nonsense.
Peace settles in...
 
That's CHENNAI
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
  
Scenario 7


Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then
a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.

 
You are in KOLKATA
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
  
Scenario 8 


Two guys are fighting.
Third guy comes from nearby house and says,
"don't fight in front of my place,
go zumwhere yelse and kyeep fighting".


That's KERALA !
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
 
 

and the best one is ....
  
 Scenario 9

Two guys are fighting.
Third guy comes along with a carton of
 beer.
All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other
and all go home as friends.
  
You are in GOA  !!!